Category: the Rant Board
Hi all,
I would first like to say that I'm fully aware that posting something like this is guaranteed to start a lot of shit. I know this, and the shit talkers aren't even going to get a response from me. If you don't have anything constructive to say, I suggest you don't say it at all, but even so, I know things will be said and I honestly don't care, because I've kept such a low profile on this site over the years that I feel I can explain myself and not fear repercussions. If drama ensues, I'll just quietly back away and disappear for a bit as I've done other times when I've caused problems.
That said, let me try to explain my problem in a coherent fashion. The first thing is that I live in a very remote location which is the basis of my problems. There is no Paratransit service, no cab service, let alone a bus route. There is nothing within walking distance; the nearest grocery store is about 10 minutes away by car. Needless to say, if I want to go anywhere, my parents have to drive me. When they aren't working, I have to worry about whether or not they'll "approve" of where I want to go.
This leads into another of the main problems in this intricate web of conflicts: I have been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember, in varying degrees of intensity over the years. Right now I'm probably at the lowest point I've ever been. The only thing that's keeping me alive is the fact that if I attempt to take my life and fail, I'll be ridiculed for it. My parents were never there for me emotionally when I was growing up, nor do they believe in depression, though I think they both suffer from it themselves. But let me back up a little more and explain at least partially how it came to be this way. I'll spare you most of the details, but from kindergarten through ninth grades I went to a public school that was hell. Just about everyone made fun of me, usually right in front of the teachers, who just stood by and let it all happen because they were just as uncomfortable with my blindness as the kids were. Most of the people I grew up with were, and probably still are, ignorant, redneck assholes. Things finally came to a head when I failed ninth grade, did something that I won't go into on a public forum, and got kicked out of public school and then went to a school for the blind for the remainder of my high school years. During all this time, as I said, my parents did absolutely nothing to help. My dad often lost his temper and said the only way to solve the problems was to sue the school district, but I was terrified of what the ramifications would have been. If people found out, things only would have gotten worse for me. To this day I still don't believe that was the solution. Stripping someone, or in this case, a group of people, of monetary resources does nothing useful; it simply serves to try and fail miserably to hit them where it hurts, to stoop to their level and play their petty games. My mom, as always, told me to keep my grades up and only focus on my academics and that all the rest shouldn't matter. So, just as she did, I buried my emotions the best I could. I didn't dare talk about what went on to avoid my dad's anger and my mom's indifference. Though I wouldn't say these were the roots of my depression, as I knew instinctively from a very young age, too young to place a name on it, that there was something very different about me, this definitely set the stage for the good majority of the problems I've experienced.
The school for the blind was even worse, if that's possible. They babied me and everybody else, constantly told me I was going nowhere in life and that I was worthless (yes, staff members did this), and academically gave us all a leisurely stroll on easy street. What little of my self-esteem that was left was eroded away, and even though I was often in the midst of paralyzing depression--so paralyzing, in fact, that I sometimes would not eat, sleep, or bathe for days--the work was so easy that motivation wasn't even a factor, mindlessness was. Sometimes, even if I didn't do the work, I got good grades anyway. So, my GPA soared and my parents began to relax, thinking I would grow up to be a respectable young lady after all. No one cared about me or how I felt. Of course, they were just trying to prepare me for being an adult. Being an adult involves suppressing your emotions to the point where you don't feel them at all. After all, why else would there be so many unhappy, sexually-deprived marriages, gang violence, suicide as the fifth leading cause in the US..you get the picture.
Twice in my life I sought counseling. Once I went of my own accord while I was at the school for the blind because I couldn't possibly imagine living to a ripe old age in this state. Even when my depression is not completely bringing my life to a grinding halt, there's always an ache in my heart, a heaviness and a sense that positive emotions were meant for everyone else but me. The only time in my life I've ever felt genuinely happy, the only time I have a desire to socialize, is when I'm drunk. People say alcohol is evil and this and that, but the truth is, when normal, healthy people drink it, it unbalances them, causing rage and irrational behavior. When someone such as myself who's already unbalanced to begin with consumes it, it returns us to a state of normalcy. Of course, I can't get drunk often, because my parents don't approve, and they would obviously have to drive me to a liquor store, and that's not happening.
I am just utterly unhappy with my life and have been forever. I am now being forced to go to college starting in January because what my parents say goes. As long as I live under their roof, I must abide by their rules. "Honor thy mother and father." The absolute last thing i want, however, is to go through school again. I hated it because it was always so hard for me to pass. I mean, what's more important, survival or the events of the civil war? Almost all my energy goes into surviving each day, because I don't want to go to hell, nor do I want to be condemned and distrusted by my parents should things go awry. But where would I go? Where would I find a job, and how would I get to and from work every day? I'm sick of this bullshit about how blind people have to go to college. Why can't a blind person be average, blending into the background? That's all I want. I think my spirits would lift slightly if I made money for myself. At least then I would be accomplishing something, so I would have some sense of pride. How would I move out? My parents would have to help me do that too, and it sucks because they can say no and I have no grounds to fight them.
As I said, they don't believe in depression. Perhaps it makes themm uncomfortable because they then have to look at themselves in the mirror, but more than likely it's because they don't want family secrets to leave the home. I know that's their worst fear, the fact I might "expose" them. They also don't believe in medications. They both hate taking medication for anything, even something as simple as Tylenol or an antibiotic. They believe that medicines do more harm than good, and in some cases they do, but I figure I'm already so fucked up beyond repair that any ill effects I'd experience would be just par for the course. But again, I have no way of getting to the doctor, nor refilling my own prescriptions because my parents would have to drive me...
I feel I haven't even scratched the surface, and I'll soon be out of room. I'll allow this to digest first and maybe get a bit of advice or something. This really is my last hope, and I know how pathetic that is, but at least I'm pretty anonymous here. And hey, if it comes back to bite me later somehow, I honestly don't give a fuck. That will be just one more thing to prove I'm not meant to be alive.
Wow, this sounds like a very pathetic situation of course. I dono about your country's associations, organisations, and how far they will take care of these problems. But if this is happening in India, we usually take this matter to human right commission.
Hope you may get a solution soon and you will also lead a wonderful life like all the other blind youth there.
You better have a touch with other blind friends who you feel reliable to talk to and talk to them and think of a solution and try to come out of there soon. this is what I can think of.
Raaj
Well, since I'm almost 22, I doubt any organizations can help me. I met with my OVR counselor earlier today, we were talking about college and stuff. I failed to mention that my grandmother, my dad's mom, lives with us. She has a separate part of the house and whenever my counselor comes over he goes in there (usually because he makes early appointments, and my parents aren't up yet so I don't want to disturb them.) Anyway, she can be a real pain in the ass. I can never speak openly and honestly in front of her because she's always going on and pressuring me to be a psychologist. Oh yeah, that would work out real well. Imagine...my patients would leave my practice even more screwed up than when they came in. On top of that, pursuing a doctorate degree isn't for everyone, and she should realize that. She doesn't, however, because she has literally, straight out told me that I have to be perfect on many occasions. The pressure is enough to drive me crazy even if I wasn't dealing with all this other shit.
I nod and say yes and no and act as polite as I can and tell him what he wants to hear. It kills me every time because I know if my heart isn't in this, I'm going to fail. A friend told me that recently, that if I'm not going into college for the right reasons then I won't make it. She's right, but I don't know what else to do. We discussed all the rules of the road so to speak: I must maintain a 2.0 GPA (fair enough), I must take at least 12 credits (I cringe every time that's mentioned), I have to submit transcripts and financial aid crap every semester (whatever) and they only pay for 8 semesters. That made me breathe a sigh of relief, because that's not a lot.
So it looks like I will be attending the local community college in January. As I said, I barely scraped through high school, and, seeing as how the school for the blind didn't prepare me at all academically, it won't be long before I crash and burn. Not only will I be overwhelmed by far greater expectations than I've been exposed to while everyone else just breezes along because they know what to expect, but also all the other demands and emotions and things that I deal with on a day to day basis. I've been told to go away to college, to live in a dorm. I absolutely will not. For one thing, at the school for the blind, I lived in a dorm, and it was one of the worst things I ever experienced. I couldn't even go outside for fresh air or to take a walk. I was constantly treated like I was mentally incompetent. I felt trapped and suffocated, not a good feeling for someone who has panic attacks. I don't as regularly as I did then, but I know I would if I was placed back in a situation like that. Also, my mobility skills aren't the greatest. I did attend a training center recently, as I said on other boards, and I thought maybe that was the answer I was seeking. Perhaps I thought I could acquire enough skills to be able to move out on my own. Maybe I expected a radical change to take place within me and my view of college life would shift. Or maybe I just thought that if I lived in a positive environment for a bit, I would believe that not everything in my life was destined to fail. Well, that dorm was a lot better, and I did have a few friends there, but I still don't want to live in a college dorm. And it didn't really help me all that much. While I was there, I soaked up everything I could, taking it all in because I knew I would never get another oppurtunity like it. The staff were very supportive and encouraging. But they couldn't really help me with the roots of my problems, and I now feel like I've forgotten everything I went there to learn, which is a real shame considering they really are good people who only want the best for their students, even the most hopeless cases. For example, mobility. I don't always retain information well, and mobility has always been a weakness of mine, partially because there's nowhere to go in my area so I have no way of practicing, and partially because, hell, I don't even know why. I can't tell you how many traffic patterns I stood there analyzing, freezing my ass off (it was a brutal winter this year) and yet I just couldn't understand them unless it was a relatively quiet intersection. That's definitely not good, and I know this. I just wish I understood why it's always been this way.
I trusted one of my teachers there with a lot of personal information because she was that type of person that you could go to with a problem. I think I scared her off though. I kept in contact with her for about a month after I left, and I admit I was a drag. I was having problems with my now ex-boyfriend, I still think the two of them talked and decided not to talk to me together or something because he straight out told me he hated me, and she just stopped writing to me. I've been so devastated by the loss of both of them that I haven't even tried to contact them. Well, him I wouldn't contact anyway for the sake of my pride, but it really does hurt to think that she wouldn't have the decency to tell me when enough is enough. One of my core values is honesty. I expect it from those very few that I allow into my inner circle, and I give it in return. It may hurt at the time, but I want to know the truth. I want to be told when I'm wrong, hopefully constructively, but nonetheless what matters is that I find out directly from that person.
Anyway, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with all this, so I'll shut up for now.
maybe consider going to a out of state college so you can get away from your parents?
And I know the feeling of following through on your parent's wishes. Its almost as if they are living through you and are pressuring into doing stuff they couldn't
I'm not trying to minimize any of what you just wrote. No two situations are alike, so I'm not going to sit here and say, "I know exactly how you feel." I hate it when people do that. But I do know about paralyzing depression myself, and it's not pretty. No one who hasn't gone through it can truly understand the disabling effects it can have. So bear in mind that I don't underestimate its power.
It's not just blind people who are encouraged/made to go to college. It's not that you're not being allowed to blend into the background or be average because you are blind. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that it's much, much harder to get a job without a college degree, blind or sighted. And, added to that, it's become the norm in our society now, so young adults are just expected to do it. I'm sorry it's being forced upon you, though. Whoever it was that told you that if you don't believe you can succeed at college, you likely won't, is right. And I'm not calling you dumb by any means. Clearly by the way you write you are very inteligent, thoughtful, and a person of depth. It's all about where you are mentally, and right now, that's in not such a good place.
An out of state college would get you away from your parents, that's true, but would have it's own problems. First, you'd have to fight your VR counselor for that. Second, there's already the issues you'll have with school itself, and your desire not to live in a college dorm. Although maybe that's like choosing between the lesser of two evils: a college dorm, or under your parents roof.
Do you think you could find a roommate of some kind? I know it's a risky business, but there are online resources to look for roommates in your area. Roommates.com, or even Craig's list. As I said, risky, and yet I know several people who it has worked out well for. You may not be able to live on your own financially, but perhaps with another helping to pay the bills, you could? Or put yourself on lists for things like Section 8, so that you would be able to afford rent, etc?
I'm not sure any of that is helpful, but they are my only thoughts.
Hey,
Well, like you & Alicia, I've been a depression sufferer for what seems like forever. I also dealt with being made fun of & also unwanted pressure from teachers & family to do certain things. Might I suggest attending a center for independent living? This is what finally helped me "see the light." My adoptive mom absolutely did not want me to go, but I'm an adult, what am I gonna do, right? I was 19 when I learned about a center that would teach me to be independent. I lived in my own apartment & everything was hands-on. The staff was great & supportive of all my decisions (as long as they weren't illegal or harmful to others), Lol. It was truly an awesome experience for me as it gave me a sense of confidence & I finally felt like a grown up. Lol again. If you wan info about the program that I attended, please email me. I'd love to share my experiences with you & maybe help somebody else start to feel like there's some hope. Feeling like you have no control can be extremely depressing & very disabling even more so than simply being blind. I've also lived in rural areas so I know how you feel there too & that is not a good living situation for a blind adult who wants some independence.
First, I recommend that you go to another training center to gain more independent living skills, or to practice and improve them anyhow.
I think moving out of your parents' house is the best thing for you whether you go to college, a training center, or get an apartment with a roommate. At college, you have much more freedom in the dorms than you may have had at the school for the blind. At college, you're responsible for you; you can go out whenever and wherever. Also, you could have a mobility specialist work with you on getting around campus and the local area, and teach you how to recognize traffic patterns and landmarks.
The best thing to do is to get out because living with your parents obviously isn't helping you with anything. Also, there are counsellors at colleges who might be able to help you with your depression.
Another option might be to see about AmeriCorps. I've heard they've supported blind people before.
Hey, I can dig that living with family, especially living away from all forms of independent transportation, is a complete drag. And truthfully, I have never trusted counseling. Everyone takes away something different I guess, but that's not too important to what I'd tell you. I went to blind school too, and what is sad is that I didn't have anything to compare it to initially. Later on I would go to public school, and so I got to see the differences. But I have to be honest, I didn't start living until I got the hell away from there. You probably don't think so, but I think if you go to college, you'll probably find yourself liberated. Yeah, dorms suck, but you really wouldn't have to be in it so much, hell, I wasn't. I ended up making friends, we went out, did some good stuff, some bad stuff too probably. Heh. I wasn't even that great academically, but I got by. All that's just my experience. Yours might end up being completely different. But if there's one thing I took away from it, I lived for myself, for the first time. No one owns me, and I don't owe my freedom to anyone. It's been like that ever since. it's one thing to want your family to be happy for you, or proud of you, but quite another to give up your own happiness to get there. Just give it a shot. You probably don't have a lot to lose, and a hell of a lot to gain if things work out.
Here is how you can go to college out of state. You pick a state as I did you want to go to or just in the city in the state you live in. Find one that has on campus living. Next contact the center for the blind, or state agency and sign up. You can do it from any state. Apply for the college, or better yet apply for the comunity college, so you can start out just taking classes generally. You don't have to know what you want to do. Now I don't know how well you can travel, so you'll need to get asses from the state agency, mobility training. Don't want to attend college for a while, or ever? Fine, if you have a friend, or family member that lives someplace else move there. You can research rents and such from your computer, and if you receive Gov support move it to that state you want to move to, so you don't need a job. Find the lowest price place you can get, than set about building your life. Find a support group for people that suffer depression, or if you need to go to a battered women's center. You don't have to be battered.Last don't allow anyone to put you on meds for the depression. A change of life will work wonders. You'll need some support on managing, and that state agency can make that happen. Stay away for the booze. It will get you depended. I'm not saying don't drink, but don't make it your meds. Give me some feedback.
Thank you guys for your responses. It's good to see so much non-judgmental, positive feedback. Honestly, I wasn't expecting that, but it goes to show there are a lot of decent people around here after all.
I have to say it was a big let down to hear about how important college is. Yeah, I guess I knew that, but in a way I didn't truly believe it because I know there are a lot of people who have not gone to college and are still working. Sighted people, of course, as I've never heard of a blind person who did not go to college and ended up being successful, as I said before. Sure, the jobs are crappy and they don't get paid much, and these people often are the ones who hate their jobs the most, but I've also heard that most people do in fact hate their jobs and it wouldn't be work if they liked it. That's another thing that bothers me. Maybe this is an unrealistic expectation, but I would like to at least be able to tolerate the conditions I would be working in. If I must spend 8 hours a day doing something, it would be nice if I had a reason to be there besides "I have to because I'll be out on the street otherwise." Money is a powerful motivation, yes, but in my mind being driven by it isn't good either. Mainly, this is because I feel that if I'm going to be miserable in my personal life, I might as well have something halfway decent to escape to.
The other thing about college is that I don't even know what I want to do. I can't imagine being passionate about anything, much less being good at anything. This is the true reason I've put off going to college for so long. After all, how do you declare a major when your life has no sense of purpose or direction at all? I've told people that I'm going to be a tech support person. My family is purely against this, as my dad basically thinks computers are evil and are causing the downfall of society, my grandmom thinks there's no future in it, and my mom just doubts my ability to do anything (well, really, can you blame her?), but my VR counselor is going for it so I keep telling him that's what I want because it pacifies him. While I could, in a half-assed way, picture myself doing that since I spend almost all my time in front of a computer anyhow, I couldn't picture myself making a career out of it. I know I would get sick of it because it would become too dull and mundane. The problem is, I don't know what job wouldn't become dull after awhile. As I said, I don't even know what interests me. I've taken interest inventories and nothing ever catches my attention. Why drift aimlessly through college pursuing a degree that I don't even want, wasting the state's money, thereby becoming a parasite?
As for attending another training center, for one thing, I doubt my counselor would go for it, and for another, I would feel immensely guilty, as if all the people who tried to help me weren't good enough when clearly it's my own fault for not being able to absorb the information. Finally, and this is the most important reason, the center I attended was probably as good as it was because it is not affiliated with the NFB. I don't want to ever go to an NFB training center because the last thing I need is to be torn down yet again, military style. No thank you. I despise the NFB and its practices, and I believe I have a right to that opinion, and no one is ever going to change my mind about that.
As for living in a college dorm, my only gripe isn't only the possibility of being trapped there. Because of my experiences with ignorant sighted people, I have a lot of trouble believing that they will actually not take advantage of me every time I turn around. I don't think it's my place to force someone to feel comfortable with me or my blindness, and that's essentially what I would have to do once I met my roommate. Imagine their shock when I come strolling in on my first day with a cane! They'll be mad as hell, and rightfully so. It's a lot to swallow, and I understand that. They'll be so scared that they probably would avoid the room at all costs, which is something else I don't want. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable in their own living quarters. Also, I hate the idea of sorrorities. I don't want to get sucked into one. Initiations and hazing make me sick to even think about.
You don’t have to declare a major right away, but if you do you can always change it later on. Depending on what college you’re going to, it could almost be like a small town in terms of the number of people you’ll have an opportunity to come into contact with. They’re there because they want to be, not because they have to, so their attitudes will be different than a lot of high school students.
I didn’t finish university, but I wound up with a good job and have been reasonably successful in life. That was still in the day when you could do something like that, but these days it’s essential to have a degree to get anywhere. As I said, in some occasions it hardly matters what the degree is in, just that you have one.
About someone being upset with you because they have to room with a blind person, that’s their problem and not yours. If they don’t like the living situation they can always try to move into another room. The thing is, though, that this has nothing to do with you and it’s not your fault. If they can’t handle being around someone who’s different than them just fuck ‘em.
Colleges also have student unions for congregating; you don’t have to join a sorority. They also have student services which almost certainly includes access to a professional who could help you improve your self-esteem. Just because you had bad experiences in the past doesn’t mean that you’ll continue to do so.
Good luck to you, and I hope you’ll keep us posted on your progress as you go through college.
Another thing you'll learn if you decided a college is your out is your roommate will probably be happy to have you. The reason is that most of the girls will be just like yourself leaving home, friends, suroundings, and opinions just like you. Blindness might be a plus, because that girl is trying, just like you, to become her own person. Now you've not given me any feedback. I need to know how good you feel, and are about living on your own? Can you cook a bit? Have you shopped for food, things you need? Are you scared to say jump on a bus, or taxi to take you to the store? I'm asking, because these questions will better help me understand what you need to have to start your life on your own? How about these friends?
Something else that was brought up that I want to comment on was the suggestion to live with friends or family in another state. This would be great except I still would be unable to do it. I have a friend who lives in Montana who I met while I was at the center. I was supposed to go see her this summer, but I wasn't allowed to go (surprise, surprise.) I wouldn't ask her, even though she knows about my situation, she's the one who told me that I won't make it through college if my heart wasn't in it. Anyway, I wouldn't ask her because she has enough to deal with already, and she's a bit older than me, so I feel intimidated even telling her about my problems when she's certainly had her own share of things to deal with, not to mention she's raising kids of her own. Then there's the fact I wouldn't even be able to pack my stuff and leave. Someone would have to drive me to the airport or train station, and I don't know anyone who would do that. I've been ignoring her lately whenever she emails me or writes to me on Facebook because I'm too ashamed to admit what's going on because I know she would ask me to live with her since she made the offer several times before, and I feel terrible for doing that, but on the other hand I know she would feel just as bad if she couldn't help me.
Then there's my best friend. I've known him since high school and we even dated for almost 2 years. As some of you may know from the other board I created awhile back, when I went to the training center I broke up with him for that other guy who turned out to be an asshole. Speaking of him, I trusted him entirely too much too soon. Once he found out abot my situation, he was constantly putting pressure on me to move in with him. As he still lives with his parents, and he doesn't have a good relationship with them, I'm amazed he even convinced them of such a thing, not to mention I had only known him a few months, so I wasn't ready to take that step. I know that makes me ungrateful, and I hate myself for that every day now, but I just feel it's so trashy to live as a couple with one of the person's parents. I feel that your life as a couple should be kept separate from your life with your respective families. When he wouldn't take no for an answer, I got scared and bailed, wrong as that is, and even though I tried to remain in his life as a friend, he wasn't having any part of that. Where before he said he would have done anything to help, he then turned around and said he couldn't stand me because of my depression. As hypocritical as that is, especially considering he's no stranger to mental instability himself, I can't bring myself to hate him. I fully blame myself, in fact it seems I do more and more as time goes by. It's hard to believe that it will soon be a year since I've known him in October, and most of that time has been spent in silence between us. I wish I could talk to him one more time to try and get closure, but that won't happen, and it probably wouldn't work anyway, bringing me closure, I mean.
Anyway, back to my best friend. I wish he would do something to help. I dropped a subtle hint that maybe he should try asking his parents what they would do, but he won't. Back when we first started dating, when he first found ou I was suicidal, he went to them first. They in turn tried to tell my parents to do their jobs and help me, but of corse they didn't. Ever since, his parents have never liked me. I think they think that I'll fuck their son up in the head just by being around him, not to mention they're a very close-knit family, so they probably think I'm some kind of evil presence because my own family isn't close. I'm not as well-rounded or all-American as they are. By the same token, all I ever wanted was for them to accept me. I wanted to know what it was like to truly be loved. It never happened, and now it never will because I broke up with their son for a stupid, selfish reason, and everyone knows that parents would dig a grave for anyone who hurts their kids. But I would be willing to put my differences aside (real or imagined, since my best friend thinks I'm making all this up; he doesn't believe they think any of that) if they could help me, and I think they could, because his dad is a nurse and his mom is a teacher of the visually impaired. I always loved them and looked up to them despite whatever they may think of me, and I hope one day they can come to realize that.
Now, about dorm life. I know I don't have to join a sorority, that's not my issue. My issue is that, as I said, hazing is a fact of life, and certainly not a pretty one. My biggest fear is that I would be lured into it because I know what great lengths people will go to to gain notoriety among their friends. If they could disorient me, take me somewhere and say it was somewhere else, thereby taking advantage of me because of my blindness, and then performing their initiation rituals and hazing on me so they could watch me take it helplessly just because I'm blind and in their eyes defenseless and stupid, they would be the talk of the school, the highest of the high and mighty. Sound far fetched? Not to me. I bet there's a lot of people out there who would do just that. And I'm not having it. I don't need any more traumatizing experiences. Plus, I can't fight worth a shit, and anyone who sees me will know that. I look young for my age, and I'm 5'3 and weigh barely 120 pounds. Maybe I would also have more confidence within myself if I knew I could fight, but I know I can't, so that's yet another thing that holds me back.
As I said in my first post, there is no transportation where I live. It's not a matter of "jump on the bus and go to the store." It can't be done because there is no bus route I can walk to. There's no cab service and no Paratransit service. I live too far out in the country. I would gladly do it if I could because I feel like a leech and like everyone who knows me considers me subhuman because I depend on them. However, if I had access to such things, I'd surely do it to gain experience and independence. Yes, I can cook, and I rather enjoy it.
Okay lets pass up all the feelings and I'm going to stick to the how. You are 22, so an adult, so can go anyplace you want. Getting to the airport, train, or bus is easy. Make some calls to cab companies, or hirer the airport limo service. You'll need to put some money back for these things. You can buy your ticket via your computer or telephone. Now I would say that living with your friend, not the male one, thats out, but the lady would be a good idea. You don't move in to stay, but only for 2 3 months until you can get your own place, and she'll know the lay for the land, so to speak and can help you. Don't want to live with her, have her find a place you can rent. You'll need to put as much money back as possible. Now as far as traveling, I only meant when you get to where you are going, not where you live. If you'd not be afraid to travel about, than you've got many things licked. Again, a college campus, even if you only stay a term or 2 is the best starter. You don't have to go to stay unless you find you like it, but go to get away. It is a good place to learn if you can actually make it on your own. More feedback?
I do have more feedback, and I'm not trying to be an ass, just asking some genuine questions.
Let's get the essentials out of the way first. How would I go about telling my parents I'm moving out? Do I order the ticket and wait for it to arrive in the mail (I'm assuming that's how it would work) and when they blow their tops asking me where I'm going, tell them? What about navigating around an airport? As I said, my travel skills suck. I've also never flown before, let alone done it on my own. I'm honestly terrified of flying so I probably wouldn't even go that route, but it's still important nonetheless.
When I get there, how do I go about reapplying for SSI? I know if you change your address you have to notify them. Does it work differently in each state? What about finding services in the state such as a VR counselor? How does it work if you already have an open case in another state? Can they deny you services in a circumstance like this where you leave suddenly when you were supposed to be going to college and you already signed a contract?
What about section 8 housing? I'm sure it's different everywhere, but are they actually quality places to live? I'm not talking about anything fancy, I mean the basics such as, are the buildings usually safe, I don't want to live somewhere decrepit that has roach problems just because it's cheap.
What about finding medical care? How do you go about doing that? I know that's a stupid question, but I honestly don't know. Also another stupid question, how do you file taxes? As you can tell, I'm probably in all honesty not ready to move out on my own just because I don't know these basic things that are painfully obvious to everyone else when they get out on their own.
I don't think college is your answer because I don't see that it's truly what you want to do which is why I recommened a training center. The training center that I attended was NOT an NFB driven center. They werevery supportive & gentle to me & let me make my own decisions.They're based in California in the bay area & take people from out of state. The program takes place in an apartment coplex so you actually live in a real apartment & your instruction is individually tailored to your needs & wants. If you want a job, they work with you on that, if you want to go to college, you can, but you're not forced to.
I know the feeling of being with someone suicidal. It was very difficult and sometimes hopeless, but I found the best thing I could do for her was to stick by her side and it aventually worked out somewhat before she moved away.
Quite frankly, the fact that the guy said he didn't want to help you after you broke up means that his best intentions weren't at work when he offered to help you out.
I am a visually impaired individual currently at a major college so if you so choose the college route, or have anymore question regarding it, private message me or something and I will try answering your questions the best that I can.
You can either tell them or not tell them. From what you've already said, it might just serve them right if they woke up one morning and found you gone. You could tell them in advance, of course, and this is probably what I would recommend, and perhaps once they saw that you were serious they might be willing to help you.
You can make your flight reservations on any of a number of websites. The ticket is E-mailed to you and you can print it up before you leave for the airport. In any case, they should have a copy of it on their computers when you check in.
If your parents blow their tops when you tell them you're gone, I suppose it'll only be for the time that you're still at home that you have to put up with their bitching. As I said, maybe once they see you're serious they'll accept your decision and try to be a little more helpful.
As for navigating in the airport, you can get assistance at the curb or at the counter and they'll walk you to your gate. Actually, they'll most likely want to stick you in a wheelchair to take you to the gate, but this is something that I've had to learn to put up with when traveling in the USA. At lest in foreign countries they actually let me walk. Flying isn't bad, though. I find the whole pre-flight process a lot worse than the actual flight. You can buzz the flight attendant from your seat should you run into any problems.
I'm afraid I can't help you with your questions about S.S.I., but I imagine it's just an issue of calling or getting to the local S.S. office in your new hometown. They're probably the ones who fix you up with medical care as well. As someone low-income you probably won't be on the hook for much (if any) in the way of taxes, but filing is fairly straightforward. Once again, perhaps the S.S.A. can point you in the right direction regarding this topic.
Well, I guess it would make the most sense to let them know once I had all my plans in place. That's what my sister did when she moved in with her fiancee. She knew my parents wouldn't approve, so she went apartment hunting behind their backs and then a few weeks before she was scheduled to move in, she told them. They were pissed, but could do nothing about it. That's probably the route I'll take in this situation.
One thing I keep mulling over in my head is whether a change of scenery will truly be enough or not. I've seen a lot of conflicting advice on different websites about that. Some say it's escapist behavior and no different than drugs, making it sound like you'll forever be running in search of a new thrill. Others say it can be just the thing you need to turn over a new leaf. I don't really know what to think, but I'm leaning toward the former possibility for the simple fact that each time I came into a new environment, my problems were still there. Of course, at the school for the blind, it created more problems than anything, but when I first got there I was happy because I was allowed to play sports and stuff, something I never could have done at public school. So I felt like I was given a new oppurtunity. But I still felt empty and like I was just drifting along waiting for something to happen. When I went to the training center in Pittsburgh, at first I was happy to be away from home and around a new set of people, but that old feeling just returned after a month or so. Sometimes I don't believe there's anything left for me to live for at all, but as I said, I can't really give up either.
Good you are asking some questions, and that is exactly what I’m after. Be an ass, because if you’re not you’ll fail maybe. You’ll need to know many things and learn many things on the fly so to speak, so here goes I’ll answer your questions.
Don’t believe me either check what I say. Parents. You are now an adult woman, so you’ll have to get use to the fact you’re going to make them mad if you do this. Don’t sneak out, sit down at dinner and say what you’re going to do. Don’t be mean, rude, or anything like that, because in the end family is you’re best friends. Have all your fact together before you tell them, or if you say it before than say that you are working on your options. There not going to like it, and will say anything they need to say, but in the end you’re legally grown, so can do as you wish.
The airport has been explained to you. Your ticket doesn’t arrive in the mail anymore. You buy it online, or call and you can have it left at the counter, so all you need do when you arrive is show you’re ID. Greyhound and the trains do the same. Paying for your ticket is the problem I see, unless you have a credit card of some kind. If not you’ll have to travel to the station and pay cash, so in that event the bus would be the best means to travel. You get the schedule and can buy your ticket right before the bus leaves. The others will need to be gotten ahead of time unless you can pay full price.
SSI can be handled over the telephone. Call social Security and ak them questions. You’ll receive different amounts of money depending on where you’re going. You are allowed to keep your funds where you are for a time until you are ready to change them.
Your VR can tell you how to transfer your services and can send your information to the place you want to go. You are allowed to leave. It’s not jail. Smile.
There are quality low income places to live, and the state’s Welfare office can and will help you with this. If you know the place you are going you can apply before you get there, so that when you do you are ready.
Same with medical, but that goes with your SSI. It is the same. You’ll not have to worry about taxes unless you start working. At that time you’ll learn.
As suggested one of these training centers would be a great way to leave. You don’t have to return after your training and you’ll be in the state for 6 months to a year so have plenty of time to find out all sources you’ll need. We have one here. Last I see you are saying your issues will maybe go with you. Only if you allow them to. No matter where you live you'll have to decide to change your outlook on life. Remember that women's center they can help.
Feedback?
Most importantly, you are 22 years of age: you are your own woman, if that makes any sense to you.
My daughter continuously says these sorts of things don't translate to girls. But well, if you were a young man I would say you are your own man, ... all this means is legally, societally and in all other ways you are responsible for you. You may or may not respect your parents' opinion, and you and they may or may not be civil to one another, but your decision when and where to move is entirely yours. That is both a freedom and a responsibility. I suggest you never reason with those who are unreasonable. If you know they are likely to react, do what you need to do, get on with it, and treat their reactions with the indifference you would treat the neighbor's dog who habitually barks.
As to traveling to and from an airport, it is far less scary than you can imagine.
Even if you were sighted, you would need to plan. However, as a blind traveler you should plan a little more. Get your tickets online, they will issue it by email and you can write all the information down in a method by which you can access it yourself. Print off the email, keep everything where you know it is, if you are actually afraid that someone will break and enter into your things and disrupt your progress.
When you arrive at the airport, for the most part, it's rather simple: You ask the cab driver taking you there to help you find an airport employee. Then ask that employee for assistance: they know what this means, but you take control of the situation, ask for help through the security line. You will know by your ticket information which you can read as well as this post, what gate you need to go to. Go to that gate, your assistant will take you there. Check in at the counter, and hopefully you have an iPod or something similar to entertain you while you wait. You can then optionally preboard the aircraft - convenient especially on your first solo flight.
On the other end, everything works the same, but in reverse. You can already have written down for yourself in print and in Braille or on your iPhone or whatever, the address for where you need to be. You can usually have scheduled a airport shuttle ride to many common destinations ahead of time. The websites are full of this information, and it is far far easier than when I first went off by myself more than 20 years ago.
Most improtantly, get all the information you can, and mostly, keep your head. I realize many times women aren't always encouraged to keep their head. But you are as capable of keeping your wits about you as a blind person is of cooking a meal, all misconceptions and victim mentalities aside. The one who keeps their wits about them wins the game, most times.
It's your freedom, and your responsibility, to manage your own situation at your age. The only exception would be if you were a legal ward of theirs, and you are obviously far too intelligent for that.
I have to disagree with a couple things: firstly, with anyone who says college is the only way to successfully get a job/succeed in life. as someone who's about to start volunteering at a local business, I'm very passionate about success being whatever the individual in question wants/strives for it to be.
then, I strongly disagree with the person who said family is your best friend. if you feel that way about yours, more power to you...but some of us in the world have shitty biological families and are much happier/better off considering our friends family.
Family can be some of your best friends. It is sad it doesn't work this way for everyone, but if there is true love they'll get mad of course, but in the end help you, and that is what makes us all win. Now if you don't have this, than you don't and will have to go on anyway, but if you do it can be a good resource.But don't sneak away unless you feel you'll be in danger. At that point call the police when you want to leave, but I don't and hope your situation isn't like that. Great information coming at you here from everyone.
Nah, my parents wouldn't physically try to stop me, I don't think. As i said, when my sister did this, and it was similar in its own way, she just told them exactly what she was going to do and they objected, but in the end there was nothing they could do. With me I think they'll fight a little harder just because they think they have more control over me, but as you all said, I know I can go wherever I want and they can do nothing about it. As for money, that's the last thing I'm worried about. I do have a credit card, as well as a good amount of cash saved up. I've been going back and forth about whether I really want to do this for months now, and have been planning accordingly, at least financially.
ah, there you go. money makes many things of course. since you're having a credit card, you can book tickets online, so be brave and take a decision and hope for a positive outcome.
Once if you're moving out of this family jail, I guess you can get rid of your stress and other things. I like living myself. even though my family is much closer to where I live.
As per the Indian's most blind parents, they don't like sending their blind kids out of them mainly if he or she is earning. They will suck off our money like anything.
Raaj.
F&R, others have answered some of your questions, but i'll throw in my two cents as well. The first part being, none of your questions are stupid in my opinion. How can you be expected to know these things when you've not lived on your own? God knows it took me awhile to learn, and some of that learning came at hard experience, other parts of it came at the help of friends. Yes, I did and do have a supportive family, but they weren't the ones who taught me a lot of the skills for moving that I learned. So, here goes my huge novel of a post.
Yes, make as many arrangements as you possibly can before you go, so your parents have nothing more to say about it. Sounds like you've financially planned for this one, which I'm glad of. Almost any mode of travel these days uses e-ticketing, so there wouldn't be anything arriving in the mail. Usually you just show your ID at the airport/bus/train station, and they give you your tickets.
As others have said, the airport and airline staff will assist you from check-in through any connection through your arrival. Sometimes they offer a wheelchair, sometimes not, though they're not as bad about that as they used to be. Amtrak employees are also helpful. I don't find Greyhound folks quite as helpful, but they will do it: you just have to be more assertive in telling them you need the help.
You don't have to reapply for Social Security when you move states. Yes, you do have to notify them of your new address, and they'll want to know things like what your rent and utilities cost, who your landlord is, etc, but you're not reapplying. . Some states supplement the normal SSI, and so the amount you get may actually increase. If you have Medicaid or food stamps, you will have to reapply for those, as they are run by states, not Federal. If you don't have them, applying for them would be a good idea. Your county's department of Human Services could help with that.
Finding your new state's rehab agency should be something you can Google, or even ask about on here, and one of us could direct you, since there are people from all over the country. As far as I know, signing what you call a contract, is not binding. My guess is you're talking about your, "individualized plan for employment," and if it's like all the other states I've worked with, it can be changed, amended, or discontinued at any time. You would simply transfer your cases from your current state to your new one.
Many reputable and safe complexes accept Section 8. There is a difference between Section 8, and subsidized housing. Section 8 is where the complex gets a voucher from the government that pays part of your rent for you, and you pay a very small part yourself. Subsidized housing, you pay all your rent, but it's very cheap most of the time. It's the subsidized housing places where you're going to have to be more careful about the quality of the complex. Thing is, you can usually get into a subsidized housing place far more quickly than being on the section 8 waiting list. They don't all suck, you just need to carefully investigate. Some apartments even come already furnished, since i'm pretty sure you don't have your own furniture at this point. The first three apartments I lived in alone were furnished ones. It's not as nice of furniture as I have now, but it wasn't horrible.
As far as medical care, here's how I've done it. I've learned the names of the hospitals in the area. Many hospitals have websites, and ways to find physicians on there. If they dont', or that's not accessible, I simply call the hospital, say I'm new to the area and need some referrals for doctors. They will either give them to me on the spot, or tell me who I need to call to get such referrals. I've usually had them give me a few names. If all the insurance you have is Medicare and/or Medicaid, you may have a harder time finding a doctor who takes it, but it can be done with some phone calling.
I'm kind of surprised at your question about taxes, since it does not sound as if you've worked much, and you don't have to file if you've not been employed. This is a bit expensive, but there are agencies that will do all your tax work foryou. The most common one is H&R Block, but there are others, too. You just take whatever tax forms you've received in the mail to them, and they literally do everything for you and submit it.
If you did use a training center as a way to move, I don't think you'd be letting the people at your old Center down, or that they'd think less of you for not having absorbed what you learned there. The fact is, if you don't use something, you usually lose it. That's true with any kind of learning. You went from the center back to a place where you could not use what you'd been taught, so you've lost a lot of it. That doesn't mean you were too stupid to absorb or learn it during your program. If the staff of that training center you went to truly did and does care about you, as you say, they will want you happy and independnet, and if that means another center, than all right. I know how you feel about the NFB centers, and though we disagree on them, I'm not going there. There are plenty of national centers that have nothing at all to do with NFB.
Collleges really aren't as bad for things like hazing and pranks as you seem to think they are. It's all about the crowd you get involved with. And, smaller schools seem to have less of this than really big ones. College students may not be the most mature in the bunch, but you're not going to get the same kind of shit that you may have in elementary and/or middle school, maybe even high school. I've had many blind friends go through college, did so myself, and none of us had a problem with things like students deliberately disorienting us, making fun of us, and so forth. In truth, the biggest social hardships I and other blind friends of mine who have gone to college faced was simply being ignored altogether, and not included in peer activities.
As for your talking about whether a change of scenery would help fix your issues, that's a mixed bag. In some ways, yes. it would give you a fresh start away from the pressures of your family. You would have more independence and freedom to do as you wanted. This means greater risk, but I believe you could do it. You'd be in an area where people did not have preconceived notions about you already, so whatever identity you made would be your own. But it's no cure-all, as a lot of what you face is internal. Moving will not help the root causes of your problems: the depression, the low self-esteem. Sorry if i'm being too blunt, but low self-esteem definitely seems to be a problem here. That's not a criticism: my self-esteem sucked for years, and I'm only regaining it recently. Those, you'll have to work on internally, in your own way. Those will follow you no matter where you live. But living somewhere else may give you the freedom to face those inner demons a bit more.
Hope some of that helps.
The reason I asked about taxes was that I was under the impression you had to pay them if you're making money, no matter where it comes from. Since SSI is a form of income, I thought they took that into consideration so that you have to file taxes. That's good information to know regardless, I'll remember that.
Yeah, I was referring to the individualized plan. To me, signing something has always signified some form of commitment, and usually people don't look favorably upon adults backing out of any form of commitment. That's why I was worried about it, but again, it's good to know it won't affect whether or not I'll get services should I decide to follow through on this.
Actually is you are receiving SSI only you can file for rebates, such as rebates on your rent, utilities. These are taxes in a way, but ones that are paid when you for example pay your rent. However this is money that comes back to you, but if you don't file for it no problem. Now you have talked about your sister. Suppose you only move from where you are in to the nearest city? That would give you travel, and such things, but your sister would be near to give you a hand if she would? Your parents will come around the same as they did with her, and so in the nearest city you'll have less things to locate alone maybe. You can work the phone and learn what is available to you and plan your move out better this way. Just an idea.
My sister and I have never really gotten along either. We have come to a mutual understanding now that we're not around each other all the time anymore, but when we were growing up she had a complex because she thought my parents treated me better than her. It lead to us both doing some hurtful things to each other and I don't think either of us will forget it in a hell of a hurry. That's not to say we never will, and I hope we do, but not now. She was never supportive of me anyway. Whenever I tried to talk to her about certain things in my life she would call me an attention whore and just yell at me. She lives in a rural area as well, only about 10 minutes from where my parents and I live now, so that's not an option.
SSDI would be considered income, but even so, if you make less than, I think it's like 7K, you're not required to file. I'd have to get those specific numbers, but you do not have to file when receiving only SSI.
Your VR counselor may not be the happiest about you changing your IEP, but he/she can just deal. You wouldn't be the first or last client to make a change in your life that required a change in your IEP. VR counselors are there to assist, but not make decisions for us. Even if they sometimes think otherwise. *Smile*
Well again how about the nearest city? You already know your state, can keep your VR, and will be close to family when they come around to you being adult. Now I am assuming that even though you have some issues there is family caring? Now if not you still can benefit from staying in the same state, just getting to the city. Your VR should be helpful with this. They can set you up with home training services, so that you get mobility in your area. He or she can help you search for a place, and thats a good benifit to you. You can get these services as well from any state agency you sign up with, but you have to get signed up first, so you've already got this working for you. What do you think? .
I don't really know if I like that idea. I think it would be all too easy for my family to guilt trip me into coming back home if they could drive to see me. I almost want to say I don't want them to know my whereabouts, at least for awhile so I can clear my head. I want them to really think about all the shit they've done to me when I was growing up and how their lack of support has affected me. Plus they haven't always been the nicest to me either. Then again, neither have I. The thing is, I know for a fact they still hold certain things against me from my past, such as the fact I was involved in an interracial relationship several years ago. If I weren't blind, they surely would have thrown me out on the street for that, and I often wish they had. My life probably would have been 10 times better. Anyway, how this relates to now is that they never forgave me for it, and they're terrified that if I don't get my act together and strive for perfection I'll be going to hell for sure. Even I believe that now, but that's far past the point of this.
As I said, while the concept of running from my problems does seem sketchy, I think it would be liberating to force them to look at everything they've done. Or maybe they won't, but it won't matter by that point. You can't force someone to change, they will only change if they want to or if a dramatic enough incident occurs that rocks their world and changes their perspective, thus bringing about a transformation.
sorry to say this, but I feel I should: as someone who has recently gone through something similar with her biological family, I highly doubt your leaving will cause them to reflect on what they've done.
the important thing, though, is it'll hopefully allow you to start your life anew and become a happier person.
that being said, I'm here if you ever need to talk to/get perspective/whatever from someone who has been through a similar situation. *hugs*.
I agree with you, F&R. I'd say staying in any kind of close proximity to your family would be a mistake. Even if they do know where you are, if you make it hard to reach you, they'd be far less likely to try. Hell, when I've lived far away from my family before, I've had a hard enough time getting them to come visit me, and I'm on very good terms with them. How much more so when you're not.
I clearly agree with most of the posts given to you here on moving out as soon as you can and as far away from your parents as possible. The only thing I will add though is this. Take this from a person who is manic depressive, if you move into a state where you know nobody that might do more harm than good because you have no social avenues to vent out your frustrations or emotions. You'll just keep them inside which will eventually force you to snap and do something bad. For example, I live here in California in the bay area, but I don't know anyone, and believe me, while my boyfriend is working I'm just here alone taking care of my baby, not doing much of anything else. For me personally, I get pretty lonely here because I know noone. If you do move into a state where you don't know anyone, try finding a group of blind people or people with depression o something like that so that you may meet new friends, because despite what people may say, everyone needs a friend.
Just my thoughts.
Yeah, I really think you should move somewhere different that just in the next city. I agree with the people that said that you need to do this for you, not to "punish" them for what they've dode. As someonewhose dealt with thiskind of stuff, being dramatic and hostile about it will only make them more likely to make a stink about things. I do feel you need to try and explain what you're doing and once you've done that, put up a wall and block out their crap and don't give them anymore fuel to burn on. Keep telling them, "I'm an adult. It's time for me to go. I know you disagree but this is what I'm doing." Remember, this isn't for them and their benefit, this is for you and your independence so of course they're gonna be pissed and of course you'll feel like paying them back for the way they've treated you, but put all that crap aside and concentrate on planning and carrying out your plans. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck and hope for your sake that you are able to achieve some independence and a life of your own.
The way I got out is I found a talent that I was really good at, like music. You should think of what you really like doing and either go to school to do it as a career or find another way to go somewhere with it. The best thing to do is plan. Make sure you don't rush into anything. Write everything down and go from there.
Chelsie and Alicia, women like you are the hope of the next generation. Sorry if that sounds like a pedestal, it is not intended to be.
But despite what many people tell young women now, you are giving the types of advice young men have had access to for years, and kudos to you for doing it!
I have believed for years that women can advantage themselves of this, can avoid playing the victim role. But I am a man, and thus have no real play like you do. Here's to hoping my daughter falls in with such as you.
To Fire and Rain: You're just going to have to suck it up this time, and decide ahead of time that you won't be talked back in. The trouble with guilt talk, is it works only because we allow it. I would know: I am the product of a whole generation of men who allowed ourselves to be guilt-talked into things we had no part of.
So just be straight with yourself and take responsibility for your part and yours alone. You are no more responsible for their emotional wellfare than I am responsible for the crimes against women of the 1950s.
The only time you may become responsible for your parents is when they age, and then only when they come to you first and need your help. They're adults. They'll get used to you being independent. No reason to be mean about it, but a little tough love isn't going to hurt them. Move out, take ownership, let them panic and cry and get over it.
It will be harder for them because of your age now. My daughter's 16 and I just have to willfully deal with her growing up, doing things on her own, taking risks, and me guiding more and more from the sidelines. But you being 22, and them never having done this, they are going to have some growing to do also.
Enough of my ramblings: but were I you I'd take my cues from some of these more pragmatic realistic women on here.
Well, honestly, your parents seem like the type who won't really get over it and will just stay mad at you, but then I don't know them. In any case, you have to make a choice now: do you want to be free, or do you want to be a prisoner of their expectations? All the people on here have made very good suggestions, so you should act upon whichever one you feel is best for you. I hope you find a workable solution for you. Best of success!